May I Introduce ...

Relationships are tricky. Check out the number of relationship books on the market, or look down the table of contents of any lifestyle magazine. Relationships dominate our lives.

Our relationship circles are not only varied, they overlap. Family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, service providers, and everyday casual acquaintances interweave along our daily path. Most of the time, our associations are fine, but challenges have a way of creeping in, fueled at times by misunderstandings and differing expectations.

Some of our relationships can leave us exhausted and drained. They create stress in our lives.

Stress in relationships is sometimes a result of conditions. We are liked only if we behave in a certain way, or if we give away large chunks of our energy – be it time, attention, or property. Conditional love is a hungry ghost which is never satisfied. In these situations, the tension we’re under trying to avoid emotional outbursts or problems takes a heavy toll on us. Eventually, we reach a point where we are overwhelmed.

Relationships like these steal our energy, large chunks of our time and our enjoyment of life. They are imbalanced, requiring a lot of our effort just to keep a teetering status quo. Asking ourselves if the relationship is worth the cost is a healthy question. It shows we are aware of the impact it is having on our life and even if we don’t take any actions to change things at this time, we are at least weighing the relationship out on our life scale. That’s healthy.

The challenge is that our bonds with people are complicated. We share history, we have layered emotions, and sometimes these are bound with obligation and duty. Add the impacts to our self esteem that always abound with difficult relationships, and we have quite a mixed bag of challenges.

In my experience, one of the first things we struggle with is our own feelings. Part of this is sorting out ourselves from the stew of input and perceptions that are thrown our way each day. I think one of the most important things we can do is open more happiness into our lives by rediscovering ourselves.

Sounds a little silly, perhaps. After all, we live with ourselves and have done so for years. We know our likes and dislikes, right?

What we sometimes don’t know, or forget, is who we are in the world. We often don’t appreciate the person we are, or have become, because we often operate on assumptions or reflections, neither of which may be very accurate.

I propose a project for you. Get yourself a notebook and a pen or pencil with which you enjoy writing. Maybe one of those roller pens with the fine point, or a soft lead pencil that glides across the page like velvet.

Begin by introducing yourself to yourself. For example, “My name is John, and I was born in Duluth.” Just write the first thing that comes to your mind. Describe a memory that appears in front of you. Notice the scene. What colors do you see? Where are you? What are you wearing?

Several years ago, I spoke with a woman who worked on this exercise. She had come over from China as a child and was struggling with some of the challenges she was encountering in her personal relationships. She told me how happy she was when she remembered the wonderful garden at her grandfather’s house. At first, she had trouble recalling the scene, but then she thought back and looked down at her feet. She remembered the little black shoes her grandmother kept for her under the garden bench. Putting on those little shoes was the prelude for her happy day in the garden with her grandpa.

Going back to that garden helped her write her stories. As she wrote her stories, she saw herself as an observer, watching the scenes of her life unfold in front of her. She gained a lot of understanding and insight about the girl that she was, and the woman she had become. She now understood her own strengths; her own centering and compassion. She liked the person she met in herself.

She told me it has made a huge difference in how she has lived her life.

Relationships are complicated and often difficult. But I think that before we can understand and assess our external relationships, we need to understand the most important relationship we have, the one with ourselves. You will find that not only do you gain insight, you gain illumination. Now, take a few moments, grab a pencil, and introduce yourself.